I'm Fine, Thanks!
(I'm Losing My Mind, But It's Okay...)
Heyo and welcome to another life update! I'm planning to do more of these this year, since a lot of you seem to enjoy reading about my misadventures. (I knew I was fascinating, but not that fascinating! ;D)
A lot has happened since December, so without further ado, let's get into it!
Writing
I had planned to finish self-editing a manuscript in January... and I'm still working on it. This draft is from a few years ago, so I'm rewriting a lot of dialogue and some scenes that just weren't working. However, I'm well into the third act of the book, so it should be finished within another month! After that, I plan to send it to someone who can look at it objectively and help me polish it further. I want to seriously move toward publishing this year, so this is all progress!
Blogging
I'm sincerely enjoying this journey here with you! There are still some rough spots ahead, and I'm continuing to work on the official logo for Onword, but I do have some posts planned that I'm really looking forward to sharing. That said, you're always welcome to contact me with questions or post requests!
Your continuing support means more to me than I can ever communicate with words. If I could reach through this screen and give you a piece of cake and a hug, I absolutely would. We are slowly but surely working our way toward a community of 100 subscribers, and that's because of you! If you haven't already, remember to share this post with any young writers you might know, and encourage them to suggest Onword to their bookish friends. Word of mouth is still the best way to spread the news!
Theatre Business
Not much has changed here; I'm still teaching a beginner ballet class, which I hugely enjoy. I've become so fond of these kids, and I look forward to working with them every week!
I have tentative plans to get back into some theatre and dance performances, though the exact timing of that is still to be determined. Prayers are appreciated, and I'll keep you posted!
The Inner Life of a Disheartened Dreamer
Now for the gritty dive into the depths of my mind. (I'm not necessarily in the best place right now, so if you need to skip this, it's okay.)
It's been a rough year.
And it's only April.
I know, it seems like I'm always going through something, and I will say I've had a lot of really good days... but it's been a rough couple months, mostly due to some circumstances that I have no control over. There are days when I'm barely able to take proper care of myself, let alone accomplish anything work-related. Only my responsibility to my dog and my ingrained habit of getting up early get me out of bed sometimes.
As an oldest child, I feel a compulsory duty to assure everyone that it will be okay, that life goes on, and I have a bad habit of absorbing the stress of people I come in contact with. Sometimes this manifests in a sudden need to clean the house, proving that I can pull my weight, and if I do a good enough job then maybe everything will be okay again.
I can't fold my own laundry, but I can sure as Davy Jones' Locker do the dishes even if there's only three plates and a spoon.
The problem is, I can't keep this up all the time. Every week or so there's a day when my dark side comes out, and because of my usual passive facade, everyone seems shocked. I'm not supposed to be irritable, or broody, or detached.
What no one knows is that being alone with my thoughts is a lot darker than you'd think.
I may not be a little ray of sunshine exactly, but the truth of it is this: The majority of my brain is full of dark corners and twisted hallways with a directory that mainly consists of 'What If...?'
Sometimes I accidentally show someone one of these hallways, and spend the next several hours regretting it. Sometimes I'm convinced that I'm losing my mind.
What am I saying? I know I'm losing my mind, it's just that I'm losing it at an irregular rate.
More and more often, I don't feel motivated to behave like a socially acceptable adult person. I have little to no desire to think and act the way government and media want us to think and act.
I've all but boycotted most news outlets because I'm tired of feeling afraid of what every little thing means for the future. I know the world is accelerating toward its own destruction, that doesn't mean I want to be reminded of exactly how every single day. I'm tired of worrying about how events in capitol buildings on the other side of the world affect the price of beans in my hometown.
Everywhere I turn, I see ads and articles begging for my attention, posts imploring me to prove that I care about my fellow humans and the environment. I do care... sometimes too much. Sometimes I can't do the day-to-day things that need done, sometimes I can't take care of myself, because I physically feel the weight of a dying world. I know I can't fix it, but neither can I stop caring.
I can't stop caring. And I'm tired of being 'normal' about it.
I'm tired of pretending everything is okay, that it doesn't affect me, that I'm perfectly happy with the way things are. The world we live in now, with its expectations and social structure, is OVERRATED.
I'm tired of living in a world that tells me life isn't supposed to be fun. I don't expect ease, Jesus specifically said it wouldn't be easy, but I want to skid sideways into my grave still buzzing with adrenaline and curiosity. I want to laugh at what delights me and dance when I'm excited and enjoy my adventures visibly, and do it without shame, even in public.
I don't want to be an 'adult', I want to be human.
So as far as I'm concerned, I'm losing my mind. And it's okay.
In the meantime, I'll continue to answer with the obligatory "I'm fine, thanks! How are you?" because if I say any part of what I just told you, people really will look at me like I'm crazy.
I am losing my mind. But it's okay.
I hope.
I guess we'll find out.
If you're enjoying Onword, make sure you share it with all your writer friends! And if you're new here, please consider subscribing - not only is it a great way to help support what I'm doing, it also means you're in the loop whenever I send out a new post announcement or any kind of update.
As always, onward!
- Lydia
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